Lost (and found) in transition

Discovering a fulfilling life while finding your way out of the muck

Sometimes it is finally time for a big change, or the universe just blindsides you with one. Depending on what happened, the period that follows may cause you to sink down into the depths, like that second plot point in your storyline that feels extra hopeless. Or it can feel less intense and more like several opposites at once; heavy and light, murky with moments of clarity, and busy but marked by periods of complete inertia. We all have a unique response when our world turns upside down, sideways, explodes, implodes, or whatever the case may be.

However we initially respond, there usually is not a quick way out of it to the “other side.” Most people regard this as the best time to work on yourself. That is absolutely true, and it is what I have always done. However, I try not to see taking care of myself as work; as another chore on my very long to-do list. When I looked online for synonyms for “working on yourself” I was bombarded with terms like ‘self-improvement,’ ‘bettering yourself,’ and ‘self-development.’ I feel more aligned with terms like ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘self-actualization.’ It makes me love myself more, as I am right now, in the midst of transition. That me especially needs to be embraced with some tenderness. And personally, I am more drawn to being the fullest authentic expression of myself (even with my imperfections) than some fantastical, “way better” version of me. Of course, in that space I leave room for growth, too. Growth is part of the natural process of being alive. And who knows what fabulousness could arise when being fully myself? Well I’m down to find out.

Thus I changed my perspective from “working on myself” to embarking on an Adventure of Discovery (AOD -haha me just coining terms over here). As a divorced single mom, teacher, and homeowner, I work so much already. Although honestly I try to make all of that more enjoyable, too. Maybe my inner child is too close to the surface, but I have a voice in my head that often starts with the enticing you know how this could be more fun…? And why not? Drudgery and suffering will happen, and it has certainly happened to me, but in the moments when it’s not, I’m going to do my best to find my way out. I have even been known to shimmy my way out (see below).

I read online that only 60-80% of butterflies survive the chrysalis phase. The good news is that, unlike the butterfly, we are only figuratively stuck in the muck, and in most situations continue to have some agency through these difficult times. I understand that this looks different for everyone.

My first transition was separation, divorce and moving during the Covid shutdown, after being with my husband for 24 years. I also had several health setbacks including my current situation of living with early onset arthritis in my hips. The arthritis, combined with other injuries, is worsening and has slowed me down and prevented me from doing my most beloved hobbies of yoga, long walks, and bellydance. Life feels on hold in those ways. I let myself get sad sometimes, but I also continue to find purpose and joy in other areas of my life.

Here is a long but incomplete list (unless I remembered everything!) of how I have continued to lead a fulfilling life while deep in the muck of transition. Everything below is part of my AOD. I hope that within this long list, something resonates with you and please share with me if you do any of these things or what brings you joy, hope and and a feeling of self-discovery.

1. Find your people and embrace the shared human experience. Spend time with your true friends, even if it’s just on the phone. If possible, connect with people that have gone through a similar experience. I started my own “Divorced Moms Walking Club” that was a huge sanity saver. I also make a point of surrounding myself with people who inspire me and we can share ideas and lift each other up. Choose your company wisely and focus on ones who stir up good feelings and do not leave you feeling drained or anxious.

2. Practice solitude. This seems contradictory to number one but hear me out. There is a lot in the media right now about the difference between loneliness and solitude, and it all holds true for me. The first couple years after my separation and divorce, I often struggled on the weekends that I didn’t have my kids. Especially when I did not have other plans. I was lonely. I tried to fill that void with not just friendships but with relationships as well (they all ended up failing). I was mostly seeking happiness with other people and had difficulty being alone. Finally I realized I needed to love myself too, and flip the switch (more of a dimmer since it took some time) from loneliness to solitude. Again this does not have to be work. Yes I write, reflect, and have quiet time with my radical self-care (see #11). But I also do weird shit on my own like dress up in crazy outfits while I redecorate my house, or sing at the top of my lungs while I make myself a tasty lunch. Heck, I’m fun and I would totally hang out with me.

3. Hold onto hope. Allow yourself to feel, but do everything you can to not despair. Remind yourself that your life has many more chapters and this is just the one with the plot twist. Find hope and help if needed.

4. Find your purpose. Easier said than done, but at least start the process. Notice when you feel most fulfilled and do more of that. I also do not believe there is only one purpose. Being the best mother I can is definitely part of my purpose. If I were to begin to define my purpose in my community, it would fall somewhere in the realm of “help people believe in themselves” and “bring people together.”

5. Live according to your core values. I had to do a core value assessment (easily found online) as part of my holistic health coach training. I was surprised by my results. The reflection process following it was also helpful, especially where I consider where in my life I am aligned or not aligned with these values. Check it out. All part of the process of living in a way that is true to yourself.

6. Practice gratitude. Consider, as often as possible, what is good in life. These can be on any level of significance and expand in any direction, from a family member or friend, to a comfortable bed, gorgeous sunset, warm cup of coffee or favorite song. The possibilities are endless. You can keep track of them in a journal, reflect, or discuss with others. It is another lens through which to experience the world. Some people have created a whole routine around it.

7. Get curious and find joy and beauty in the small things that are not always small. Building on #4, instead of just being grateful, truly see the beauty and wonder that surrounds you. Stop and smell the roses. It can be easy to only see all that is ugly in the world, and I’m certainly not denying any of that. Seeing the good is an exercise in awakening your inner child. Spending time in nature, making unexpected meaningful connections, getting the perfect photo from an interesting perspective, and so many other things can light that spark that makes you feel alive and hopeful.

8. Create the world you want to live in. I want to live in a world where people are kind, take care of and lift each other up, spend quality time, learn and grow, and have fun. I know this is not how everyone operates, but to the best of my ability I create this in my own world by being that person in my ever-expanding circle. Yes, I am careful about who I let in. Call me naive or foolish for believing in good people and happiness, but I would rather be a fool who loved with all her heart and did not give up. And honestly, I feel supported and cared for so it seems to be working. You may want to create a completely different world that fulfills you. I have friends that would be perfectly content living in the countryside surrounded by gardens and animals. Awesome.

9. Prioritize the tasks that give you the most peace (when they are done). If you are like me, you often put off the task that most needs to get done in order to reduce stress and anxiety. This is also widely known as procrastination. Why do we do this?! During my separation, I was so worried about how I was going to manage my finances (including owning my own house). I had honestly never done finances, my ex husband did. I did not have any peace around it until I mapped out all my expenses and met with a financial planner. To his credit, my ex also went through all of our bills with me and helped get me set up with online banking. Another example is that sometimes just cleaning my house makes me feel like I have order in my life. My mind cannot clear until my space is clear, even if it’s just the room I’m working in. Maybe it’s a creative project I can’t seem to finish. So now I ask myself, what’s the thing I need to do to give me peace? And I try to do that first. Prioritize the reward for completing the task. Sometimes I even give myself a treat afterwards as an extra bonus. It’s so hard but so simple.

10. Practice kindness.For me, tuning into the needs of others not only brightens their day but gets me out of my head and into my heart. It creates beautiful human connections, which is part of my grand purpose on this spinning rock in space. Don’t forget to treat yourself with the same kindness as you treat others.

11. Let yourself fall apart sometimes and forgive yourself when you need to rest. Sometimes I just rest, and that is part of the process. I try not to beat myself up about not being productive all the time. Rest prevents burnout and health problems, and can give a fresh perspective. Kick those feet up, adventurers need a break!

12. Avoid toxic positivity. Weird coming from me, I know, as a generally positive person. But I have learned to not run away or deny bad feelings; I often process mine through talking, writing poetry, walks, long baths, or just letting time do it’s magic.

13. Practice radical self-love and care. As a mom of two daughters, I have really tried to talk to myself the way I would want them to speak to themselves. If they used the words I use, would I feel sharp stabbing pains in my heart? Yeah, I shouldn’t say that to myself. Have I nailed it? Absolutely not. I still catch myself criticizing my looks, forgetfulness, or difficulty keeping up with housework and they always hear me and call me out. As they should. So I’m getting much better! But that’s just the foundation. Some people create whole rituals around loving themselves. Some ways I, personally, practice radical self-love and care is with delicious teas and nourishing, beautiful food, facial massage, long showers or candlelit baths, occasional bodywork; generally taking time to do the things that feed my soul the most when I am in solitude. Sometimes these things are silly and spontaneous too. I honestly could not do the demands of my life without taking care of myself. And yes, I often need to remind myself that this is what gives me the energy to do all of the other things.

14. Rekindle old passions or find new ones. What lights you up, or used to? Is it something you could bring back into your life? Or is there something you’ve always wanted to try? Getting back in shape after a long hiatus (about 15 years!) and a calf injury, to teach bellydance again was incredibly healing and fun. I co-created a beautiful community of women in two separate yoga studios in which we danced, laughed, freed ourselves from self-judgment and made new friends. Who knows, I may give it another shot after my hip replacement. In the meantime, here I am trying my hand at writing again, which was my first love.

15. Express yourself. Take this however you want. It can be in your appearance, your creative projects, a new business, speaking your truth, or any number of things. It does not need to be a huge statement, but it can be. I do a lot of journaling and poetry writing when feelings build up, and while I may share them with my closest friends, I have not published a thing publicly (though I might someday). Do whatever makes you own that beautiful space you take up in this world. And if you need to be heard or seen, go for it.

Most of all, enjoy every moment you can while on the journey of self-discovery, and love and be patient with yourself. You can rock this Adventure of Discovery, because you are amazing.

This article is also an introduction to the kinds of things I think about; drop me a line if anything resonates with you for a potential future article. Thank you! -Julia